Top 10 Tunes

Ladies and Gentlemen,

At last. A new DJ in the House, Yeah, I know. The relief. After six months of Fat Boy Slim ... SIX! Honestly, he was wearing a bit thin after a couple of weeks, and we did think it was perhaps time to move on. The Prop was as diplomatic as could be - "Ere - fat boy, Rack off." Or words to that effect. But no, he wouldn't go. Said he liked Central way too much, and our wine was "to die for." Even the threat of permanent injury, applied by one of our goats where it hurts the most, wouldn't work.

So six months it was, with ever diminishing crowds. Finally, we cut off the wine altogether and he left, muttering some nonsense about us being the gutter, and him the stars. Good riddance, slim boy.

At least, we think it was Fat Boy Slim. Confusingly he was neither fat nor slim. And when requested (often) for Praise You or Because We Can or Right Here, Right Now he would just look vague and put the Bee Gees on rotation. Weird.

SO ... You all will be relieved that we have a new Jock in the Dayglo ... and a ripper DJ at that - none other than our friend, ally and collaborator -- the extremely dashing and distinguished doyen of stage, screen and panto -- the simply marvelous Toby Stephens.

Alright, stop screaming to my left, I know what you've been watching.Black Sails? Right? Yeah, and why not? It's the gas. On Starz, and bloody great it is too. Excellent cast, headed by the man himself. Who hasn't been watching Black Sails? Hands up.

SECURITY -- eject that dreary couple right now.

Aside from that, you also know Toby from all that top stuff on stage, with the RSC, at The Old Vic, in the West End and on Broadway OMG...this is SERIOUS thespianism my darlings. We're talking Hamlet at Stratford, A Streetcar Named Desire directed Peter Hall, Coriolanus at the RSC...geez, I'm hyperventilating at the sheer grandeur of it all. And then in the movies with Neil LaBute, Clint Eastwood, Martha Fiennes, Michael Bay ... roles as diverse as a Bond villain (Die Another Day) to Tony Blair (wait...maybe that's pretty much the same damn thing). And on your telly, you can hardly turn the man off -- The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, Cambridge Spies, Jane Eyre as Rochester, heaps of Agatha Christies and NOW (drumroll) starting Dec 26 on BBC -- And Then There Were None with Burn Gorman, Charlie Dance, Noah Taylor, Douglas Booth, Miranda Richardson, Aidan Turner, Anna Maxwell Martin, Maeve Dermody, AND the Prop. Three nights of fingernail biting.

Look enough of all this, I'm beginning to sound like Spotlight for God's sake ... Bring The Man on ... oh, and did I mention Toby's married to gorgeous Anne-Louise Plowman (how cool is that?) his brother is the excellent actor Chris Larkin (how cool is that?), his father was the marvelous Sir Robert Stephens (how cool is that?) and his mother the astounding Dame Maggie Smith (yeah, I know -- Maxi-Cool)

Here he is -- top bloke, hideous dancer, great actor, average swimmer, boffo pirate, lovely fellow ... Ladies and Gentlemen of The Dayglo - your very own Festive Season DJ right here live on the TPDG DodgyStage ™ ... MR TOBY STEPHENS