Mr Clarke asks the hard ones.
The excellent John Clarke, of the Parish of Melbourne, puts you to the test. For each 'yes' award yourself a glass of any Two Paddocks wine. For any 'no', console yourself with the same. Two glasses if necessary.
You have all the time in the world.
Turn over your test paper now.
- Do you have more than two books about wine?
- Are your other books about food, rugby and Neil Diamond?
- Have you ever held a glass up to the light, rolled the wine around and said, "Yes. Excellent."
- Do you think the wine is better if the bottle is covered in dust?
- When you hear that something has a good nose, do you you think of Gerard Depardieu?
- Do you think Sangiovese is quite a handy flanker from Hawkes Bay?
- Do you send wine back, but order the sausages?
- Have you ever stopped singing 'Danny Boy' in order to ask a friend which side of the hill the wine comes from?
- Do you regard anything over $12 as an investment wine?
- Do you think a garagiste is a person skilled in the housing of tractors?
- When you see a refractometer, do your bowels tighten slightly?
- Do you think Chateau Margaux is where Rudolf Nureyev had his barrique looked after?
- Do you frequently tell people red wine is good for you because it contains antioxidants?
- Have you ever considered refraining from eating oxidants?
- Do you wish to personally congratulate the man who invented the screw-top wine bottle?
- Do you swill a small taste of wine thoughtfully around on your palate before spitting into the sommelier?
- When you hear mention of a drip dickey, do your thoughts turn automatically to the trouser?
- Have you ever consciously attended a horizontal wine-tasting?
- When you enjoy a Reserve Pinot, do you secretly hope one of the other Pinots gets injured, so it can get a run on the park?
- When being breathalysed, have you ever asked the police officer for a pH reading?
Put down your pens.
You may now take your holidays.